Disappointment by Saydee Rose
The label read, “Hydroxyzine.” Whatever the hell that was. She took it to her bedroom along with another nameless drug. Her hands were shaking, her eyes dry, nevertheless. She can’t even bring herself to cry anymore. Her only comfort was her tears, and tonight she had none. She could see nothing but red, like a long stop light in her mind. She has waited so long for it to turn green, and she has begun to believe that it never will. The electric pain in her has done nothing but bring her to this day. The day she has been waiting to come for so long now. She laughs, as if nothing wrong is in her doing. She twists open the lid of the orange bottle.
She pours out as many red and white capsules as she can fit in the palm of her hand, and pops them in her mouth with no hesitation. She brings a cup of stale water to her trembling lips and takes a sip. She gags as she tries to swallow, her body resisting, but she forces it to continue down. A strange feeling of satisfaction arises over her; like this is what she was born to do, like this is her true calling. She closes the bottle back and tucks it into a safe place behind the couch. She turns back to her other bottle, and fluently pours some of the contents into her hand. This time, she has no struggle swallowing. She can feel the rush of adrenaline now. She has found that the only time she feels alive is when she is dying.
She lies patiently in her bed, now, awaiting the effects of the drugs. She stays there, still, for what seemed to her, a few minutes, but it was certainly more than that, as the drugs have already started working. She goes to a place or serenity and peace. She sees nothing but the blue sky and the blistering sun, and her body feels as if it were floating. This is the most comforting feeling she has ever felt; this feeling that she could just drift away to Nederland and never feel the suffering that she has. She hums her own tune, never before heard by her or anybody else. It is a tune only accumulated here, safe from the grasps of deception.
She just floats through her dreamland for hours, but when the adrenaline wears off, she feels the sudden strike of pain coming back and wakes up, knowing that she has not taken enough. So, she sits up, extremely dizzy and nauseous, but still continues to stand, stumbling over herself. The room is spinning, the lights are dim, and she shivers from the cold breeze of the fan. She is laughing and crying her dry tears so hard now, like she is crazy. She walks herself to the couch, like she has only one leg and scrambles behind it for her still half-full bottle. She pours the remaining drugs into her hand and swallows them frantically, in a hurry for this all to be over with.
She kneels at her bed like she might be praying, but she lost her faith so long ago, it would never even cross her mind. She covers her face with her icy fingers and screams as the first wet tears pour out. She screamed as if these tears were acid sliding down her face. Her head is burning, and her eyes collect with acid faster and faster now. Her breathing is brisk and her breath is cold and dry like a corpse’s. She is miserable but all in the same having the time of her life.
While she lies in her bed, where she wants her final slumber to begin, she reflects on her life- her family, her passions and experiences, her mistakes and regrets. She prays a prayer to herself, hoping whatever god may be out there will hear her, “God, forgive me for not supplying myself enough time to find you.”
She relaxes and falls asleep. Her breathing becomes slower and her body temperature evens out with her fingers. This is what she thought she wanted. She wanted to fall asleep one night and to never wake up, for it all to be over. Tonight, she is excited that this wish may finally come true.
However, the light breaks through her eyelids the next morning, and she opens up her crusty, blood-shot eyes to the same world she has always known. It is such a sad life when you wake up in the morning disappointed in just that.